Back

I fall in and out of hobbies such as this. Sometimes I stop feeling like my life is worth writing about. Or I lose my desire to do anything that takes even an ounce of effort, especially if there isn't an immediate or certain reward.

So, blogging took a hit. For an entire year I suppose. I've been trying to get back into it. So here I am.

Life is full of chaos. Sometimes I finally feel ahead. Or even motivated to create necessary change. And then just as suddenly as it comes, it goes. Today I woke up motivated to get weeks of laundry finally completed. I sorted it all out. Then as I was about to get started, I stopped. I laid down. 'Not right now, maybe later,' I thought. Then I got back up and I saw my bathroom and I said to myself, 'Nah, today I want to deep clean the entire house. Yes, I can do this.' and quickly following that I laid back down in bed and fell asleep for four hours. I slept the day away, because when I have important things to complete I get so easily overwhelmed.

I don't feel good about this trend. Nothing ever gets done, and I wind up being more stressed after I've awoken to find nothing was completed. I get stuck in this revolving circle.

I eventually pull myself out. Somehow something gives me the motivation and I'll get a ton accomplished and feel great about myself.

-Where is that Motivation Now

Motivation and Anxiety

Motivation isn't my strong suite. I have multiple steps I take until I feel prepared to complete a task, and even then it doesn't always get done.

This isn't something I accept willingly as a personality characteristic. I fight this one pretty hard. I think there is a difference between the way we were "trained" and the way we actually are. I am not lazy. I am dedicated, willing, and ambitious. However, I think over my lifespan I have fallen short of representing this.

I know what I am capable of, but sometimes I have to look real deep for motivation.
It doesn't come as easy when I'm often riddled with anxiety, and look in every direction for distractions. But I can't use that as an excuse.

Anxiety is something I suffer from. It's something I've dealt with for a long time, and not even known. It wasn't until more recent that I really discovered it.
Anxiety is something everyone faces at some point. We get worried about things, we get stressed.
But when you have anxiety all the time, you constantly over-think. You are focused on so many things at once, and feel kind of suffocated by your thoughts. Then you explode, panic washes over you and suddenly all the oxygen in your lungs gets sucked out.

But I can't be defined by my anxiety. I can't let it rule me. Anxiety doesn't run my life, I do.

I like distractions. Writing helps. It helps me a lot. It allows me to put my feelings into words. It's a productive way of distracting myself. It's honestly very cathartic for me. I can put my whatever I'm upset about on paper. The paper takes the weight.

-I'm Working on Motivation