Motivation and Anxiety

Motivation isn't my strong suite. I have multiple steps I take until I feel prepared to complete a task, and even then it doesn't always get done.

This isn't something I accept willingly as a personality characteristic. I fight this one pretty hard. I think there is a difference between the way we were "trained" and the way we actually are. I am not lazy. I am dedicated, willing, and ambitious. However, I think over my lifespan I have fallen short of representing this.

I know what I am capable of, but sometimes I have to look real deep for motivation.
It doesn't come as easy when I'm often riddled with anxiety, and look in every direction for distractions. But I can't use that as an excuse.

Anxiety is something I suffer from. It's something I've dealt with for a long time, and not even known. It wasn't until more recent that I really discovered it.
Anxiety is something everyone faces at some point. We get worried about things, we get stressed.
But when you have anxiety all the time, you constantly over-think. You are focused on so many things at once, and feel kind of suffocated by your thoughts. Then you explode, panic washes over you and suddenly all the oxygen in your lungs gets sucked out.

But I can't be defined by my anxiety. I can't let it rule me. Anxiety doesn't run my life, I do.

I like distractions. Writing helps. It helps me a lot. It allows me to put my feelings into words. It's a productive way of distracting myself. It's honestly very cathartic for me. I can put my whatever I'm upset about on paper. The paper takes the weight.

-I'm Working on Motivation
 

Three Blind Mice

How is it possible to have feelings for three people at once. 

The way he texts me good morning. And goodnight. The way he mumbles when he says something silly because he's nervous. The way he uses big words out of the blue. The way he encourages me. The way he smiles and his eyes light up. Our first date, every moment of it. How we actually had a real date. The way he has been counting down the days he has left at work until he can see me. 

But then there's the way he walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet. The way he talks about the  things he's passionate about. The way he compliments me when I don't expect it. The way he looks at me with those green eyes of his. The way he tickles me when we're lying next to each other. The inner strength I can see in him, even though he's never told me anything about it. The way he pulls me close to him.

And there's the way he makes me laugh. How we have some of the most fun times I've ever had together. The way we cuddle all night. The way he kisses my hand. How I feel when I'm with him and his friends, like I belong. The way he carries positive energy everywhere he goes. The way we just connect. How he is slowly opening up to me. 

When I met each of you I never knew something more would come out of it. I never wanted to feel this way. I never wanted to feel like I had to make a choice. I never wanted to make you feel like I was only seeing you, but I never meant for it to become such a secret either. I've wanted to tell you. Or ask you what you wanted between us, but it hasn't ever come up. You've never asked me either though, each of you kind of just assumed. 

But then again maybe none of you are quite right. Maybe I choose the wrong one, and the other two meet someone new. Maybe you find out that I'm seeing him too, and walk away before I get the chance. 

But maybe I need each of you in my life. Maybe I feel too deeply about each one of you. Maybe one just isn't enough. 

Everyday you're on my mind, just send me a sign. 

-Who Knew This Could Hurt