Back

I fall in and out of hobbies such as this. Sometimes I stop feeling like my life is worth writing about. Or I lose my desire to do anything that takes even an ounce of effort, especially if there isn't an immediate or certain reward.

So, blogging took a hit. For an entire year I suppose. I've been trying to get back into it. So here I am.

Life is full of chaos. Sometimes I finally feel ahead. Or even motivated to create necessary change. And then just as suddenly as it comes, it goes. Today I woke up motivated to get weeks of laundry finally completed. I sorted it all out. Then as I was about to get started, I stopped. I laid down. 'Not right now, maybe later,' I thought. Then I got back up and I saw my bathroom and I said to myself, 'Nah, today I want to deep clean the entire house. Yes, I can do this.' and quickly following that I laid back down in bed and fell asleep for four hours. I slept the day away, because when I have important things to complete I get so easily overwhelmed.

I don't feel good about this trend. Nothing ever gets done, and I wind up being more stressed after I've awoken to find nothing was completed. I get stuck in this revolving circle.

I eventually pull myself out. Somehow something gives me the motivation and I'll get a ton accomplished and feel great about myself.

-Where is that Motivation Now

Single Isn't So Bad

Despite my single life coming to a slow end...I made a list of reasons why being single is great. I actually wrote this list a couple years ago, but whenever I need a pick me-up I look back on it.

So here's my list of the best things about being single. 

Keep in mind there are also plenty of reasons being single sucks and I'm a total floppy fish when it comes to whether I like it more or completely hate it. But I think it's more about the moments. Some moments it really is great and then you see a really happy couple and you kinda want to vomit, but secretly wish you had what they have. Anyways let's get to it. 

1. You don't have to answer to anyone. You can literally pack a bag and leave to go anywhere you want, and tell no one. You can go see whoever you want and literally nothing matters.

2. You can decorate the house/living space however you choose. You don't have to worry about what they like/don't like. You don't have to incorporate their style. Their style sucks anyways.

3. You don't have to clean up after them! The mess is all your own. 

4. If you choose to come home after a long day and eat a tub of ice cream and watch 18 hours of Netflix, no one is there to judge you. No one has to know. If someone asks what you're doing, call it "relaxing" and send them a selfie from a few days ago. 

5. Share nothing. My money is mine. My bed is mine. My pillows are mine. My food is mine. None of that what's his is hers and what's hers is his bullshit. What's mine is mine! 

6. Decide for a straight week you aren't cooking dinner. No one complains except your stomach. 

7. Fighting. None. Literally not one fight while being single. No one to fight with, that makes things real simple. 

8. Spend mindless hours on your phone or on a hobby. Don't worry about neglecting anyone. Maybe your friends, if you have any.

9. Literally every choice you make is your own. You don't have to compromise with anyone, or ask for permission. You don't have to see if they want Chinese for dinner too. Watch all the shit movies you want. Sleep with the light on. No one can tell you no, except yourself and maybe your parents if they still boss you around.

10. Presents. No. None. Buy yourself something instead. No having to think about what they want. No having to spend your money on anyone else. Treat yourself! Yes I like those shoes. Early birthday present to me from me. Doesn't matter how early, or how often.
11. And lastly, you discover yourself. That's deep. but, really you learn to love yourself. It's a time of self-discovery. And that's so important in life. I doubt I'll ever say I wasted so much time on myself.

-Embrace Freedom

Motivation and Anxiety

Motivation isn't my strong suite. I have multiple steps I take until I feel prepared to complete a task, and even then it doesn't always get done.

This isn't something I accept willingly as a personality characteristic. I fight this one pretty hard. I think there is a difference between the way we were "trained" and the way we actually are. I am not lazy. I am dedicated, willing, and ambitious. However, I think over my lifespan I have fallen short of representing this.

I know what I am capable of, but sometimes I have to look real deep for motivation.
It doesn't come as easy when I'm often riddled with anxiety, and look in every direction for distractions. But I can't use that as an excuse.

Anxiety is something I suffer from. It's something I've dealt with for a long time, and not even known. It wasn't until more recent that I really discovered it.
Anxiety is something everyone faces at some point. We get worried about things, we get stressed.
But when you have anxiety all the time, you constantly over-think. You are focused on so many things at once, and feel kind of suffocated by your thoughts. Then you explode, panic washes over you and suddenly all the oxygen in your lungs gets sucked out.

But I can't be defined by my anxiety. I can't let it rule me. Anxiety doesn't run my life, I do.

I like distractions. Writing helps. It helps me a lot. It allows me to put my feelings into words. It's a productive way of distracting myself. It's honestly very cathartic for me. I can put my whatever I'm upset about on paper. The paper takes the weight.

-I'm Working on Motivation
 

Small Town Mindset

It's weird meeting people as adults in a new place. After growing up in a small town, I'm used to knowing everyone from the time we started elementary school. I moved to a bigger city and things are different now. When I meet someone new, I don't already know about them through someone else. I'm looking at their life from the here and now. Since social media exists, it's possible to see somewhat of a timeline of their life. It's amazing how little we know people based off what we see online, and what we see from the time we met them.

I'm used to knowing people through their awkward phases, and about the girlfriend/boyfriends they dated throughout high school. I'm used to knowing how they treated those around them, and what kind of student they were. I'm used to knowing who there friends are, and what they spent their free-time doing. Growing up in a small town everyone knew about you before you ever met.

So now as I meet new people in this new city I can't help but wonder about all the things they went through as a child, and what they were like. But thinking about this I ask myself, "Does it truly matter?" Back home it mattered. I knew people on level much deeper, so it was more simple to decide if you liked someone or not. However, I think it also filtered my vision. Knowing what someone was like in the past, doesn't automatically mean you know who they are today. People grow up. Should I really dislike the boy that wore turtle-necks everyday in middle school, or the girl that was overly obnoxious in first hour. Do those things make a person who they are?
I don't think so. I don't think it matters. But growing up in a small town makes me think like so.

-Judgmental or nah

A Day In The Life

Today was another day. I woke up, went to work. Came home, took a much needed nap after the long weekend. I woke and watched a movie with the little one, and then we had dinner. Folded laundry, did some homework. Now I'm laying here. Enjoying the time. The little one is sound asleep, I have some soft pop music playing. It's nights like these that I spend reflecting on everything that has been going on in my life. Lately there have been many changes. A big move a couple months ago, new friendships, and new jobs. My life is so hectic sometimes, so when I have this time I take advantage of it. I feel guilty sometimes for doing so, but I'm trying my best to succeed at so many things. It's not always easy, and when I first became a single mom I had no idea the struggles I would face. Everyday isn't good, but there is good in every day. I work hard now to give us a better life one day.

-Reflecting

Balloons are happy sometimes

There are days in which our lives our filled with happiness and solitude. It's like we wake up with a balloon and we can either fill it with air or we can leave it empty. On days we fill it with air, we give opportunity for it to be popped. It's quite easy really, to have your happiness completely deflate. So other days we leave it empty, worried that by filling it with hope and expectations will only lead to being let down. But doing this doesn't help either. Because regardless, a balloon can still be damaged. We can pull and tug at the rubber until the pieces rip apart.

Our feelings are similar in a way that they are just as fragile. 

It's easy to pop a balloon with something sharp, but tugging a little here and there will take more time and diligence to destroy it. It's takes something really forceful to destroy a person that has strength. Having hope and happiness is a strength, in the same way that air makes the balloon stronger.

So we may wonder whether it's worth it to try, whether it's worth it to keep going. But, if we were a balloon filled with air we could fly. Wouldn't that be worth it?

-Feeling Like A Popped Balloon 

Can we just be honest.

Honesty is difficult.
Sometimes it hurts.
But one thing that hurts worse than honesty, is uncertainties. Being uncertain of someone else's feelings. Being uncertain when a person starts acting differently. Being uncertain when you're not sure what's going on between you and someone. Being uncertain when suddenly someone stops talking to you. We're all cowards, we can't talk about our feelings. We can't tell people the truth.  Because, real communication doesn't exist anymore. Slowly people just drift away. Little by little we stop replying to text messages, we stop answering every phone call. We don't follow through with hanging out with people when we say we would. We give excuses.
And people wonder why, but honesty is difficult.
It's hard to say "I don't like you anymore." or, "I like someone else."
It's hard for people to admit they're seeing other people too.
It's hard for people to say "I have feelings for you."
Because we're all afraid of hurting; It doesn't matter if we are getting hurt or hurting others.

Courage is confronting people. Courage is telling someone how you feel. Courage is being upfront about your expectations.

We all expect people to be honest with us, but how often are we honest with others.

Telling the truth isn't easy, but it's freedom.
When you tell someone how you feel, you lift weight off your heart.
When you tell someone why you aren't aren't interested, you release guilt.
When you explain to someone what you're truly looking for you cut out the risk of hurt.

Lies hurt worse. 

-Easier Said Than Done